I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
