I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
