your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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