Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
