Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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