I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
