she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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