Have you finally orgasmed yet?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
