ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
