Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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