i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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