Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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