umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
