Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
