Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
