I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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