Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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