If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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