I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
