i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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