I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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