I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
