My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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