This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's always time for handjobs
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
