Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
