Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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