If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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