I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
