curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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