Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
