The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
