I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
