we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
