Don't make out with my wife yet
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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