Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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