I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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