Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
