I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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