True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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