Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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