i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
