i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
