I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
