I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
