we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
