The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
