I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
