So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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