if i can run in heels then i can drive
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
