Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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